Bullet to Head Edit? Not So Much

Nicky claims to have posted a "bullet to the head" edit of his borderline libelous story, "The Fandom Writer".

Let's look at the differences. Below, the original text is in blue and the new is in red. Note that my version of TFW came from FictionPress, so although the name of the main female character different in the quotes below, I think Nicky actually made that change quite a while back.

She was a horror writer, but one that didn’t write of characters who weren't her own and bastardized the characters of a writer who didn’t agree with she did.

She was a horror writer, but one who didn't write of characters that belonged to her, and bastardized the characters of a writer who didn't agree with she did.

OK, here he did actually fix the double negative and changed "that" to "who", which is the correct word.

“Albert –– let me take a look at this one,” Patricia smiled, “I know.” She began laughing insanely when she started typing the next few paragraphs.

"Albert –– let me take a look at this one! Let me see what the hell I can come up with," Patricia smiled, "I know. Damn am I evil!" She began laughing insanely when her fingers raced across the keyboard as she had a dark thought emerging in her warped little mind..

Added a typo -- the double period is in the original text -- and added a few more words.

“What are you doing,” he said laughing.

"What are you doing? Oh shit, you didn't -- oh crap, you did...." he said laughing.

A few more words, including curses. Still waiting for amped-up terror.

JaneRae looked from below in Purgatory while she was being gnawed...

Alice was looking in abject horror from below in Purgatory while she was being gnawed...

Changed "looked" to "was looking" - a weakening of the verb and added a vague description. We're going backwards with this edit.

“Honestly I had no problem with aspiring writers writing fan fiction off my work but when they do the things that she is doing with my characters, that was just wrong,” Albert said...

"Honestly I had no problem with aspiring writers writing fan fiction off my work, but when they do the things that she is doing with my characters. That was just wrong -- it makes me sick to my stomach," Albert said...

*sigh* Then Nicky added a sentence in a big batch of badly stilted dialogue where Albert is talking to his wife Patricia:

"...They first freaked when you showed up wearing black clothing namly a long black hooded sweathshirt gown, since you're the one who does that kind of fiction."

As you know, Bob...

Jane Rae responded with a look of horror to her face...

Alice responded with a look of bloodcurdling terror to her face...

Preposition mis-use (abuse?). Bear with me, we're almost done. Still waiting for the awesome "bullet to the head" changes...

“Could this mean I am, “ she said with a frightened look in her eyes, “dead? God – I cannot be dead..."

"Could .......this mean.....that I am....." she said with a frightened look in her eyes, "D-d-ddead? Oh dear fucking God – I cannot be dead..."

Because pauses in the dialogue are oh-so-scary...and so is "fucking" (well, for Nicky maybe - and I mean the act, not simply the word).

The words that Albert said to her basically got to her in her sleep, that she has to spend the rest of her days within a fleshly coffin. Her death was not a psychical death but that of a spiritual one. She was thinking, I cannot be dead ...

The words that Albert said to her basically got to her in her sleep -- his chilling warning became a shadow in her darkest and most horrifying of nightmares. That she will spend the rest of her days within a fleshly coffin. Her death was not a psychical death, but that of a spiritual one. She was thinking as a cold horror grew within her soul, I cannot be dead...

Still not scary. I'm falling asleep now.

...even though her body is nothingmore than a coffin of skin.

...even though her body is nothingmore than a coffin of skin, she could hear her vitals fading; flatlined.

Wow, that hospital must some pretty crappy life support equipment.

The thing that Albert Joseph Poe said to her in that electronic email, the words he said would become the fate of her –– a damnation in hell as Charon awaits.

The thing that Albert Joseph Poe said to her in that cryptic hued warning e-mail, the words he said would become the fate of her –– a damnation in a never-ending hell as Charon awaits.

And that's it, folks. Those are the sum total of the changes little Nicky made to "The Fandom Writer". It's so much more awesome and scary now, isn't it? Just like a bullet to the head.

Oh....I get it....

My head hurts so much from re-reading this ungrammatical pile of stinking pig crap that it feels like I've been shot in the head. That must have been what Nicky meant.