Review of "The Fandom Writer"

Since Jenny, 50 Foot Ant, and others have been posting reviews of Nicky Pacione's writing, I thought I'd take this opportunity to post a review that my ex-wife Joanna and I did back in February of 2007. This was first posted on Jenny's Xanga blog:

(All quotes and characters used under the "fair use" provisions of U.S. copyright law.)

Intro by Jenny: I've been sick this week, and my sister is visiting and playing nursemaid. She found the copy of "The Fandom Writer" I had left on my desk. When I walked into kitchen this morning, the first thing she said was, "Who wrote this? This is horrible." I agree with her. Because this piece is so "special", I have brought in a couple of guests to help with the review. I'll let them introduce themselves.

Joanna: Hi there, I'm Joanna Hollins, and this is my husband Todd.

Todd: Howdy, folks.

Joanna: We are both alive and well despite being chased around a creepy old asylum by a horde of tiny blood-sucking spiders. I'm so sorry I talked you into that adventure, Todd.

Todd: No worries, honey. You're not the one to blame for that fiasco.

Joanna: Good. Let's get started. Today we are reviewing "The Fandom Writer" by Nickolaus Pacione.

"She was a horror writer, but one that didn’t write of characters who weren't her own and bastardized the characters of a writer who didn’t agree with she did."

Joanna: I'm puzzled. That sentence contains a double negative, so it reads that "she" only wrote about her own characters. That doesn't jibe with the rest of the story, because "she" is continually referred to as a fanfiction writer.

Todd: You're right. That sentence is also awkwardly written, contains "that" instead of "who," and is missing a word near the end.

"Her name was Jane Rae Brite, and she liked to write what they called slash fiction..."

Joanna: Jane Rae? Brite? Is this supposed to be real people fic?

Todd: Yes, Nick thinks he's getting back at a couple of real authors by using their names.

Joanna: Isn't that illegal?

Todd: I don't know about that, but it is childish and unprofessional.

Joanna: I've done stupid things in the past -- you know, when I agreed to devote eight months of my life to a show I knew almost nothing about -- but this is worse. I don't want to be a part of hurting someone who doesn't deserve it, so from here on out, I'll just call this character Heather.

Todd: I don't think the women give a rat's ass what Nick thinks of them, but carry on.

"-- the writer who she idolized was named Albert Joseph Poe. Though what she did was something Albert wouldn’t--"

Todd: Hold it. You're not going to go over this line by line are you?

Joanna: Yes.

Todd: Joanna, have mercy. I'm a writer. I love language. Please just summarize.

Joanna: Fine. In this story, Heather is a fan fiction writer who writes stories using characters created by a writer named Albert Joseph Poe.

Todd: Poe is clearly meant to be Nick in this masturbatory fantasy.

Joanna: Can you say masturbatory on this blog?

Todd: If it's not asterisked out, then I can.

Joanna: I see what you mean about fantasy. Poe is described as a some who has "a mentality of someone who came from the old world" -- whatever that means -- and as a "born again Christian" and "a Man of God." He wrote "a technological horror but had elements of an era that was long forgotten or almost forgotten – a horror genre that had no way to be classified as such." Clearly, Poe is meant to be hot stuff. Of course, he's not as talented a horror writer as you, dear.

Todd: Actually, I've decided to switch genres.

Joanna: But you love writing gothic horror.

Todd: Not really. Gothic novels are so ...19th century. I've decided to write chick lit instead.

Joanna: Don't be ridiculous. You can't write chick lit. You don't know the difference between Payless shoes and Manolo Blahnik's. You can't name five major women's clothing designers or three brands of tampons.

Todd: Obviously, I'll have to do a little background research before I write.

Joanna: No one is going to buy a chick lit book written by a guy.

Todd: I'll use a pen name. How does Alberta Pacini sound?

Joanna: You don't want to know. Anyway, Poe is upset to learn that Heather is writing about his characters in ways he doesn't approve of.

Todd: Using proper English?

Joanna: According to Nick...er, I mean Poe...what Heather is doing is an abomination in the eyes of God.

Todd: Ah yes, the long lost eleventh commandment, "Thou shalt not write fanfiction." Then God's probably really pissed about that Jesus/Cthulhu slash fanfic site I ran across on the Internet last week. I wonder if He's smited those authors yet.

Joanna: Poe sends Heather an e-mail rebuking her and saying "...I hope what I say here lives within your nightmares...." Heather doesn't understand what Poe means by this, but it really bothers her.

Todd: It was probably the poorly written e-mail that confused her, not the actual threat.

Joanna: On April 13, 1998, Heather is writing another piece of fan fiction when her computer flickers and dies. She immediately thinks, "[Poe's] God must had something to do with this one."

Todd: Finally, we're done with backstory, and we get to some semblance of a plot -- a mere 27.5% of the way through the story. Honey, when your laptop died last month, what did you first suspect was the cause? Something supernatural or something a little more mundane?

Joanna: I wouldn't call vampire spider venom mundane. Remember I had a hell of a time getting all of it off the computer after the asylum debacle. I get your point, though. Most people would be thinking, "Damn, the power supply is fried!" or some such thing.

Todd: Exactly. Horse, not zebras.

Joanna: Heather falls asleep. Her spirit is called to Purgatory where she is told that Charon awaits her, and she feels the creatures of Hell gnawing at her.

Todd: Creatures from Hell have overrun Purgatory, and a mythical Greek ferryman is wandering around in a mythical Judeo-Christian metaphysical construct. I'm pouring myself a drink. Want one?

Joanna: No thank you. I probably shouldn't quote this part then:


"she desecrated the writings from a man of God. This was her fate for the blasphemy she did before God – the blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. She saw him reading his Bible and prayed with his wife."

**srnnfttt*

Todd: Damn it, Joanna.

Joanna: Are you alright?

Todd: Scotch. In the nasal passages. Ouch. Now I seriously need another drink.

Joanna: Heather looks up and can see Nick...er, I mean Poe...writing and realizes that what he is writing is what is happening to her. She pleads with him to stop.

Todd: Poe is such a good Christian, isn't he. Sounds like he read the Cliff's Notes version of the Bible, and they left out the parts about "love thy neighbor" and "turn the other cheek." And let's not forget mercy and forgiveness.

Joanna: Maybe he has a different translation of the Bible.

Todd: Whose? Joseph Smith's?

Joanna: Poe and his wife finish writing the story of Heather together. Her spirit is left to suffer in Purgatory -- or maybe Hell -- while back in the physical world, she is in a coma. End of story.

Todd: Thank God.

Joanna: Let's do some quick statistics for the story. Number of names dropped, including Edgar Allen Poe and God - 6. Number of times the word "horror" or "horrors" is used - 19.

Todd: How about the number of sentences lacking a subject or a verb or both?

Joanna: I don't think we have enough time for me to go back and count all of those. We could discuss the fact the Nick writes Twilight Zone and The Crow fan fiction, yet also writes stories like this.

Todd: I think it's the slash aspect of the fan fiction that sets him off. I don't understand that. As you know, I'm a liberal. I believe that sex is a private matter, and as long as it is between two consenting adults, I don't see the problem.

Joanna: I'm so glad you feel that way, Todd. I have something important to tell you...I'm leaving you.

Todd: What? Why?

Joanna: Remember Catrina Taylor, the producer from the reality show?

Todd: How could I forget? She drove off and left the other participants to die.

Joanna: I'm in love with her.

Todd: Wha--

Joanna: I've been seeing her for three months now, and she makes me happy in a way I never was with you.

Todd: I don't understand.

Joanna: For one thing, she does this thing with her fingers where she [**censored by Jenny; reason - that was a little too explicit**]

Todd: I could learn to do that.

Joanna: I'm sorry. I know this is a shock, but I don't see any sense in continuing to live a lie.

Todd: I guess there's something I should tell you, too.

Joanna: Yes?

Todd: Remember that goat at my brother's farm--

Closing by Jenny: And that's a wrap. It's been a pleasure getting to know Joanna and Todd, but we'll let them settle things without an audience. I hope you all enjoyed today's review.

Bullet to Head Edit? Not So Much

Nicky claims to have posted a "bullet to the head" edit of his borderline libelous story, "The Fandom Writer".

Let's look at the differences. Below, the original text is in blue and the new is in red. Note that my version of TFW came from FictionPress, so although the name of the main female character different in the quotes below, I think Nicky actually made that change quite a while back.

She was a horror writer, but one that didn’t write of characters who weren't her own and bastardized the characters of a writer who didn’t agree with she did.

She was a horror writer, but one who didn't write of characters that belonged to her, and bastardized the characters of a writer who didn't agree with she did.

OK, here he did actually fix the double negative and changed "that" to "who", which is the correct word.

“Albert –– let me take a look at this one,” Patricia smiled, “I know.” She began laughing insanely when she started typing the next few paragraphs.

"Albert –– let me take a look at this one! Let me see what the hell I can come up with," Patricia smiled, "I know. Damn am I evil!" She began laughing insanely when her fingers raced across the keyboard as she had a dark thought emerging in her warped little mind..

Added a typo -- the double period is in the original text -- and added a few more words.

“What are you doing,” he said laughing.

"What are you doing? Oh shit, you didn't -- oh crap, you did...." he said laughing.

A few more words, including curses. Still waiting for amped-up terror.

JaneRae looked from below in Purgatory while she was being gnawed...

Alice was looking in abject horror from below in Purgatory while she was being gnawed...

Changed "looked" to "was looking" - a weakening of the verb and added a vague description. We're going backwards with this edit.

“Honestly I had no problem with aspiring writers writing fan fiction off my work but when they do the things that she is doing with my characters, that was just wrong,” Albert said...

"Honestly I had no problem with aspiring writers writing fan fiction off my work, but when they do the things that she is doing with my characters. That was just wrong -- it makes me sick to my stomach," Albert said...

*sigh* Then Nicky added a sentence in a big batch of badly stilted dialogue where Albert is talking to his wife Patricia:

"...They first freaked when you showed up wearing black clothing namly a long black hooded sweathshirt gown, since you're the one who does that kind of fiction."

As you know, Bob...

Jane Rae responded with a look of horror to her face...

Alice responded with a look of bloodcurdling terror to her face...

Preposition mis-use (abuse?). Bear with me, we're almost done. Still waiting for the awesome "bullet to the head" changes...

“Could this mean I am, “ she said with a frightened look in her eyes, “dead? God – I cannot be dead..."

"Could .......this mean.....that I am....." she said with a frightened look in her eyes, "D-d-ddead? Oh dear fucking God – I cannot be dead..."

Because pauses in the dialogue are oh-so-scary...and so is "fucking" (well, for Nicky maybe - and I mean the act, not simply the word).

The words that Albert said to her basically got to her in her sleep, that she has to spend the rest of her days within a fleshly coffin. Her death was not a psychical death but that of a spiritual one. She was thinking, I cannot be dead ...

The words that Albert said to her basically got to her in her sleep -- his chilling warning became a shadow in her darkest and most horrifying of nightmares. That she will spend the rest of her days within a fleshly coffin. Her death was not a psychical death, but that of a spiritual one. She was thinking as a cold horror grew within her soul, I cannot be dead...

Still not scary. I'm falling asleep now.

...even though her body is nothingmore than a coffin of skin.

...even though her body is nothingmore than a coffin of skin, she could hear her vitals fading; flatlined.

Wow, that hospital must some pretty crappy life support equipment.

The thing that Albert Joseph Poe said to her in that electronic email, the words he said would become the fate of her –– a damnation in hell as Charon awaits.

The thing that Albert Joseph Poe said to her in that cryptic hued warning e-mail, the words he said would become the fate of her –– a damnation in a never-ending hell as Charon awaits.

And that's it, folks. Those are the sum total of the changes little Nicky made to "The Fandom Writer". It's so much more awesome and scary now, isn't it? Just like a bullet to the head.

Oh....I get it....

My head hurts so much from re-reading this ungrammatical pile of stinking pig crap that it feels like I've been shot in the head. That must have been what Nicky meant.