Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Nicky Pacione Drinking Game

(I've been reading too much of Nicky's dreck lately, and the following seemed funny after a glass of wine or two. *heh* Oh, everybody wave to Nicky. I've got Illinois footprints all over the blog and three more Paypal invoices. Guess what I did with those...)

My poison of choice is scotch, but this works just as well with other beverages. Drink safely! I may add to this as inspiration strikes.

His Writing

Writes a Gary Stu -- 1 sip
Writes a story based on a dream -- 1 sip
Writes a story with a plot -- 5 sips
Uses the word "literary" when he means "literally" -- 1 sip
Uses a word like "horror" or "blood" or "eerie" more than 10 times in story -- 1 sip
More than 20 times -- 3 sips
More than 30 times -- 10 sips
Uses a comma splice -- 1 sip
Writes one grammatically correct sentence -- 1 sip
Writes two grammatically correct sentences in a row -- 5 sips

Changes POV mid-scene -- 1 sip
Changes POV mid-paragraph -- 4 sips
Twice in one paragraph -- 8 sips
Changes verb tense mid-paragraph -- 1 sip
Mid-sentence -- 1 sip
Says something can't be described -- 1 sip
Tells you the same item of information less than five times in one story -- 1 sip
Tells you the same item of information more than five times in one story -- 3 sip

Tells you what the character is thinking...then has the character say almost the same thing -- 1 sip
Then has the character say EXACTLY the same thing -- 5 sips
Says the situation is like being in a short story -- 1 sip
Mentions Rod Serling -- 1 sip
Mentions H.P. Lovecraft -- 1 sip
Mentions Edgar Allen Poe -- 2 sip
Mentions Poe, Lovecraft, and Serling in one story -- 8 sips
Say the situation is like being in a movie -- 1 sip
Mentions the Twilight Zone -- 1 sip
Mentions the Outer Limits -- 1 sip
Mentions Night Gallery -- 2 sips
Mentions Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, and Night Gallery in one story -- 10 sips

Mispells a word on the cover of a book -- 1 sip
The word is in the title -- 8 sips
Mispells his own name on the cover of a book -- 20 sips

His Posts

Calls someone a faggot --1 sip
Calls someone a bitch --1 sip
Calls someone a sow -- 1 sip
Calls someone a cunt -- 1 sip
Calls someone a bitch, cow, and cunt all in one post -- 3 sips
Uses motherfucker properly (as a single word) -- 10 sips

Mentions e-piracy -- 1 sip
Compares e-piracy to stealing MP3 songs -- 2 sips
Claims to be straight -- 1 sip
Threatens to fight someone -- 1 sip
Actually shows up to fight someone -- 1000 sips

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Nicky Flees to Blogger

So Nicky (aka Nickolaus Pacione for the Googlebots) has come over to Blogger. His latest post has a lot of BS in it. Let's take a look:

"Since Xanga decided to delete my blog because I went and
told someone to latently to fuck off."
Actually, Nicky sent me a death threat. Not exactly the same thing.

"I am sure some of you who want to blame someone for closing down my Xanga Blog it was because of an obsessive anti-fan bitch named HorrorGal."
Nah, Nicky, they're thanking me. And I'm thanking Xanga security for moving so quickly.

" HorrorGal out there who are going to constantly shoplift someone's works...My works got pirated repeatedly by fucks like HorrorGal and her crowd."
Here's what Nicky calls shoplifting. He accidentally sets two of his works to free downloads at Lulu. I see this and download them (screent shots in this post). Nicky claims he never intended to set them to free, has since changed the settings, and claims because he made a mistake, I stole from him. How's that for "it's time to up the dosage"?

"...what makes it worst in the case of HorrorGal is that she is a mother of two."
Nicky, you don't read any better than you write. The only bio of me that you've read says I'm a "mom to two dogs". Two canines. Get it? It's meant to be funny.

More funnies can be found here.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

"Quakes and Storms" Reviewed

Disclaimer: JENNY is me (Horrogal) Todd Hollins is used under the fair use provisions of U.S. copyright law. For the search engines, Nicky is Nickolaus Pacione. Todd's goat is a running joke that started here and continued here.

JENNY: So here we are again, Todd. Another review. I’m glad you could join me. Why don’t you introduce yourself for any new readers.

Todd: My name is Todd Hollins. I was one of the main characters in Nicky’s "House of Spiders" as well as House of Spiders 3. I am extremely happy that Nicky is done writing about me. I was getting sick of the horrible dialogue and being made to do things for no reason – or for reasons that make me look callous.

JENNY: I know you’re not callous. I enjoy having you here.

Todd: Thanks.

JENNY: Today we are discussing Nicky’s anthology Quakes and Storms. Nicky didn’t include a title page with publication info in the book, but based on the introduction, I’m guessing that this book came out in 2005.

Todd: You mean the rambling, incoherent, ungrammatical introduction?

JENNY: Heh. Yes, that one. The back cover copy is even worse. It has lines like, "Do not photocopy...the contents of this publication unless given kind permission is given by the authors or editors involed with the project" and, "Proceeds of this anthology goes..."

Todd: Nicky never was very good at subject-verb agreement.

JENNY: The first version of this cover also used a copyrighted image of a tornado. Nicky didn't check out the source of his photo—

Todd: An amateur publishing error

JENNY: – and has since blamed everyone but himself for the mistake.

Todd: Typical Nicky. But let’s talk about the stories.

JENNY: There is quite a range of quality, but by far the worst "story" -- and I use that term loosely -- is "Utica, Illinois", written by Nicky himself.

Todd: Rambling, incoherent, and ungrammatical?

JENNY: Yeah. All of Nicky’s typical writing problems show up here. The story lacks in any semblance of a plot. He also writes about "horrors" without actually describing them and makes references to what movie the situation is like.

Todd: Doing reviews of his stories has actually become quite easy. We could just cut and paste our last two comments and be done. And just for fun, we could also say that the stories have homoerotic content. Watching Nicky throw tantrums and try to deny that he is gay is pretty entertaining…and I need some entertainment since I gave up Larry.

JENNY: Larry?

Todd: My goat. He’s screwing female goats now, not…well…

JENNY: TMI, Todd. "Any Port in a Storm" was also a very poorly written story. The story takes place on a cruise ship at a never-specified time in a never-specified place. It’s a story without any background or context.

Todd: And without any characterization. Lovecraft would roll over in his grave if he knew that people were writing such bad stuff and calling it a Cthulhu Mythos story.

JENNY: I thought three stood out as better than the rest -- "Half the Storm", "Just Passing Through" and "Peas in a Pod".

Todd: Well just like Publishamerica, Nicky can scrape up a few good submissions. I liked “Peas in a Pod” the best. In that story, a father and son battle a drought that has all but destroyed their farm, while the son tries to reconnect with his father.

JENNY: In “Half the Storm”, two girls explore the bounds of their friendship before, during, and after a hurricane – with tragic consequences. I thought that the author did a good job capturing the fickleness of kids’ friendships. The only major flaw in this story – and it was almost enough for me to not include it in the top three – is that the girls were described as being nine years old, which was about three years too young for the thoughts and actions ascribed to them.

Todd: And “Just Passing Through” had a nice twist at the end and clean writing.

JENNY: But that’s it for the stories that I thought were successful. Other stories had major problems.

Todd: You mean maybe they could have used some editing?

JENNY: Three of the stories fall victim to bad science. In "Element of Surprise", an asteroid strikes the Eastern Seaboard with almost no warning. "The Way Things Were" has both the unexpected eruption of an active volcano AND an unexpected tidal wave hitting -- again -- the Eastern Seaboard. While these events make for good drama, an asteroid can't sneak up on the Earth with our modern capability to monitor the space around us. Likewise, we have systems in place to watch for tsunamis, and active volcanoes tend to have geologists running all over them.

Todd: You know there’s a difference between making stuff up and getting stuff wrong.

JENNY: Exactly. The bad science that occurs in "The Avalanche of St. Aspin" is of a different kind. The author clearly has some knowledge of what makes snow conditions ripe for an avalanche, but she doesn't know what the FCC does, and she seems to have a limited knowledge of airplanes. She also mentions a victim who had third-degree burns over 95% of her body, but who was given a "good chance of survival". Third-degree burns of that extent would be fatal, probably within hours.

Todd: That story would also have benefited from editing. There were a number of misspelled words and grammatical problems, but the author still has a better has a better grasp of English than Nicky.

JENNY: Yes, Nicky is completely ineffective as an editor. You and I could put together a better anthology.

Todd: Now there’s an idea…

JENNY: Many of the stories, however, fell into that middle ground where the writing is neither good nor horrible, but where there are crucial plot problems or the writing just doesn’t grab one’s attention.

Todd: “Feline Intuition” is a good example of that. During a series of earthquakes, a reporter goes to talk to a man who tells him that because all of the cats have left the city, “the big one is coming.” OK, but if the man knows the big one is coming, WHY is he still sitting in his apartment right in the middle of the action? Why isn’t he five hundred miles down the road to safety?

JENNY: Another story in this category is “Earthquake Forces”. In that story, a massive earthquake hits Vancouver and within 30 minutes, the main character can turn on the TV and learn that Vancouver Island is breaking to bits, that the estimated number of dead was 30,000 and climbing, etc. In thirty minutes.

Todd: The non-fiction confused me the most. Nicky says in the intro that there are three non-fiction pieces. However, only one story is labeled – in the sub-title – as non-fiction. That was Macy Wuesthoff’s “As Lost as a Northwest Alabamian in a Snowstorm”. We’re left to guess about the others.

JENNY: I know that Nicky’s “Flood Memoir” is also non-fiction because he’s said elsewhere that it’s true.

Todd: Truly horrible, you mean.

JENNY: Yep. For a review, see our comments above. I think that two other stories are also non-fiction – “Surviving the Palm Sunday Tornado” and “Fire”.

Todd; So Nicky can’t count.

JENNY: Most likely. And I have to say I liked Macy’s story. It was a bit over-written, but I like her sense of humor, and that kept me reading.

Todd: Agreed.

JENNY: So let’s have some final thoughts on the anthology.

Todd: Nicky’s writing and lack of editing bring down the overall quality of anthology. Larry would have done a better job. Maybe Larry and I should co-edit an anthology. Put the submission call up on Ralan and see what happens.

JENNY: Let me know if you do. Unfortunately, I have a hard time recommending this anthology. The few good stories don’t make up for the weaker ones. Most of these authors – Nicky not included – may have potential, but they need time and practice for their writing to mature to the level where the average reader will feel satisfied paying to read their work. Nicky’s writing just plain sucks big hairy donkey balls.

Todd: Don’t say that. You’re getting me hot…

Coming soon to Lulu: A slightly different version of this review -- one without the dialogue.